Can You Feel My Heart Saying ‘Hi’?

When I first discovered I was nonbinary, I panicked. I panicked because I didn’t want other people to panic. I didn’t want to be questioned or judged or told it was a phase or not real or me just trying to be trendy. I didn’t want to make it a big deal. I’d just, you know, cut my hair, wear slightly different clothes. Phase out others. No one would need to know why. I’d only use my pronouns with *new* people, people who didn’t know me before. I think I even told people that I didn’t want to make a big deal about it. I wanted it to be a slow reveal, partly because I was still figuring myself out and partly because I didn’t want to be click bait. Look at me! Please like me! Please validate me.

But here’s the thing. The longer I am out, the more I see the cracks in the matrix. In the six months I’ve been out, I’ve been outed multiple times, I’ve been told I’m not trans enough by other trans people, I have been asked skeptical questions about my gender. The more I pretend that this isn’t a big deal, the more that I see that it IS a big deal. It’s a big deal to me.
I keep remembering the song that echoed in my heart in the early days, “Ring of Keys” from Fun Home. Listen to it. It’s about a little girl who sees a butch lesbian for the first time and finally sees a person she identifies with. Even though sexuality and gender are separate things, I still resonated with that moment of recognition. That moment when you see yourself represented in the world and something inside of you feels right. It clicks. “Can you hear my heart saying hi? I know you.”

I’ve decided I want to wear a ring of keys.

My name is Jasmine Joshua. At this time, I identify as a trans nonbinary or transmasculine person. I may always be in the process of figuring my gender out. I use they/them pronouns. I’m new to my community, but I’ve always been a part of it. I’m still learning the language and culture of a group that I didn’t know existed until a few years ago. I am the oldest nonbinary person that I know and sometimes that makes me feel behind or alone or stupid that I didn’t figure it out sooner.

I think it’s important that I am visible, even at personal cost. If this is upsetting/stupid/weird to you, feel free to unfollow me or ask me polite questions in PM. Know that it’s okay to walk away. All I ask is that you’re kind.

Everyone is looking for a kindred spirit and I want to be the person that a stranger of any age sees and says, “Wait. I can do that?”
Yes, you can. And you can do it whenever you want. There is no rush.
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