A few pregnancy vignettes

A series of thoughts during weeks 7-10. Warning: May contain TMI

 

Well it finally happened.

I ripped a hole in the ass of my pajama pants by doing LITERALLY NOTHING.  And don’t you dare come after me with that misuse of “literally” crap or I will literally kill you.  By which I mean I will end your life, which is the literal meaning of “kill you.”

~~

Morale has slightly improved.  Somehow have to get to four plays this weekend and write reviews, which should be interesting.  Heartburn has ensued, possibly as a side effect of the old people fiber pills I am taking.

~~

A series of cruel jokes by my husband:

As I’m choking down a Ritz cracker crumb by crumb: “Did you know that pregnancy permanently makes you gluten intolerant?”

“Your symptoms are so strong. . . What if it’s twins?!” *

A later variation:

“What if it’s triplets?”
“I don’t want triplets!”
“Well then we can give one away!”

~~

So far I have puked in the following locations:

– My mouth

– The shoulder of the freeway

– The bushes outside my front door (digging for my keys nauseated me)

-The plants outside the theatre

– The middle of the freeway (the car was stopped in traffic)

– The Safeway parking lot

– A beer stein (I had apple juice in it)

– Through my nose

~~

“Morning” sickness is a lie.  I am nauseous ALWAYS.  Whenever my stomach growls from hunger, I snap, “Oh shut up, you don’t mean that.”

~~

That sad moment after going to the bathroom when you realize that a majority of your “baby bump” was actually just your impacted colon.

~~

I am so grateful for M Fox for many many reasons, but I wanted to give a shout out specifically for how patient he is with all the crumbs in our bed.  I’m also grateful Seattle doesn’t have ants.

 

*He was right. We are having twins. Yes, I’m serious.

 

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