I recently read aloud an extremely angry poem that I wrote about a few friends betraying me in high school. While I think it’s a good poem from a critical sense, I was disturbed by the opening line “I hold onto my grudges, just in case I need them later.” What an awful idea. It was cathartic to write and I think it was well-received in class, but I think that it’s a horrible way to actually live your life. So I’ve decided to let go of the grudges that I have been collecting for the past few years. I think it’s really fucking stupid for me to dislike people and then wonder why I’m by myself. So I’m going to stop. This includes, but not limited to: last lover who forgot to mention he was still living with his girlfriend who (oh, yeah!) he hadn’t broken up with, my treacherous best friend in high school, the guy humiliated me on a school trip by talking loudly about how much I ate, that teenage girl in the video store who got me fired (I think I worked there for one week), evil first boyfriend. (I also purposefully left out Los Angeles and the Boston Red Sox. . . I’m not that evolved yet).
Listing them was really helpful. I had to admit it aloud, I guess. It doesn’t make it go away but at least I am trying to be conscious of all the pain I’m holding onto by still harboring feelings of ill-will toward these people. I’m making a half-year pledge to stop wasting time disliking/hating them. It doesn’t change who they are. It doesn’t change who I am. It doesn’t change what they’ve done. It just makes me bitter and unpleasant.
I got three more assignments from my freelance guy. . . I won’t write a word until he tells me how much he’s paying me, now that I’m not on probation anymore. I feel slightly guilty at being such a hard ass, but I think that is what you have to do. I’m not going to slave away on a boring handbook on financial planning without knowing how much I’m getting paid for it.
Okay. I think that’s good.