Tough Self-Love

Yeah, so I had another bout of depression that unfortunately brought the last post that I have since deleted. It was cathartic to write it, but not healthy to keep it alive, I think. I have basically rewritten it here in more cohesive fashion, but have been busy writing and editing a cover letter for a job I really want, so I’m in the mood for being bulleted and curt.

Relationships

Casual dating vs. long-term relationship.

Pros: Casual dating would require more hard and fast rules because protection of dignity would be much more important in a transient dating scene: specifically no sex until you understand someone better. Allow for one month of dating? Two? (would I be considered a prude?) Since you don’t intend on keeping this person around, screw-ups (har har) and mistakes would be easier to handle. Practice in acting casual, not taking everything so seriously. Not worrying if you’re going to be with this person forever because you enter into the relationship knowing that you’re just in it for fun–leads to more self-confidence due to more control over fate of relationship. Cons: More dealing with men who want “quick lay.” (pro: would get better at identifying them) Would be difficult to control feelings of wanting more.

Cons: Long-term relationship thinking intensifies feelings of loneliness and worthlessness. Provides too many illusions and delusions of what will happen with the “future” with said person. Almost entirely eliminates the possibility of getting to know someone in a comfortable and low-pressure setting, especially with today’s men where they even smell the word “commitment” and they run like jack-rabbits. However. Pros: Seeking someone who is interested in a long term relationship shows maturity and foresight; they don’t just want to mess around, supposedly. Someone interested in a long term relationship will have an easier time becoming emotionally close.

Four years since my last boyfriend. Four years since my first boyfriend. Approaching six months since last romantic encounter. Approaching six month since last heartbreak.

Loneliness

Pros: Forces self-exploration. Means I really really really should be focusing on my own life, not on my life with someone else. Career search is exciting, right? Music, great! Living in beautiful place that is not LA. Possible move to east coast! All happening because of me, not because of boyfriend. Trying to focus on self-worth, not on how man gives worth. God is that hard.

Cons: Mostly obvious. Also misplaced jealousy. Wasted time yearning. Self-pity. Desperation for relationships with anyone, even if it would be unhealthy and detrimental. Projecting what I really want on men who don’t actually embody those traits. Easily sucked into old patterns that have caused MISERY!! No boys! No boys who are in love with other girls! No boys with ex-girlfriends who they still live with! No boys who are potentially gay! No online boys! No boys from Wisconsin who have gorgeous Guatemalan ex-girlfriends! Pay attention to what you have done and how it has hurt you! Why do you still want to do this again and again? What is this arrogance in you that you think you can change someone’s heart? Could anyone change yours? No! So why do you try to do it with others? ESPECIALLY BOYS! BAH! STOP IT.

You will find your OWN love story that has no conflicts with someone else’s. Not anyone else’s love story. You are a complex, caring, interesting and worthy enough character to be the protagonist in your own story. Not the fat sidekick. Not the best friend. Not the yearning, pining one. The main character. The main fucking character. You deserve to be the main character in your life. Don’t make someone else’s problems, issues, fuck-ups your problems, issues, fuck-ups. You have a set of your own. Be the main character. Be the last person out for curtain call. Even if no one shows up for the play, you are the main character. The MAIN CHARACTER. Fucking act like it. NOW.

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