Alright. I have decided that I should consider my personality and its flaws. Again. My simplified conclusion is that I need to become a Bad Ass Mother Fucker every once and awhile and trust that after I’m done shooting up a bank, my friends and family will still love me. I should do this instead of befriending Bad Ass Mother Fuckers and then secretly envying them while churning butter and buttoning up my turtle-neck so as to protect my honor. Important note: This is not to say that I should not befriend BAMF, but that I should develop my inner BAMF so that I don’t have to live through them anymore. I should not be a by-stander, but a participant in Bad Ass Mother Fuckery.
I have been reading this astrology report that my mother ordered for me many years ago. When I was a teenager and reading it, I didn’t connect with most of what it said about me. To be fair, I wasn’t really reading it, I was skimming it for details of what kind of a man I would marry. Yes. It’s pathetic. Such a report, unfortunately, does not give such details, so I put it to the side and only referred to it every once and awhile looking tearfully for answers, after my heart had been sufficiently crushed by some loser or another. Or many losers, depending on how lucky I was that particular year. But. I am at a crossroads with a lot of different aspects of my life right now. Career vs. job, college vs. adulthood, adult friends vs. childhood friends, grad school vs. ?. Most of the paragraphs I came across, I understood: relationships are the most important to me and I will sacrifice all for those I love, I have a deathly fear of being alone, I must be creative in what I do for a living and I desperately want to be in the limelight and love to be fussed over. All that sounds pretty accurate. Most of these points are better worded, obviously. Also, there’s some stuff about my mom and my dad, but I think I’ve dealt with most of that. . .
What I was MOST interested in were the paragraphs dealing with my hidden issues. The “shadow-side” as it’s called. I will quote the juicy tidbits from this report compiled by a person I have never met, who only took my birth information and made this packet. Read and be awed:
“Despite your apparent adherence to more traditional or conventional values, there is a wild streak of rebelliousness in you which rarely gets enough room for expression. You are more likely to suppress it out of fear of alienating those you need and who need you. . . Thus you are inclined to project this dimension of your shadow-side, and to attract free spirits who do not really like the idea of too much intimacy or commitment; and you may then spend your time wondering why, when you have given so much to the relationship, they are still capable of flying off and leaving you.”
Doesn’t that just nail every single fucking man in my life??? But wait. It gets better.
“There is a curiously cold character inside you which is quite capable of abruptly getting up and walking out if you find yourself too pressured, or have too many emotional demands placed on you; and the detachment and self-will of this character are no doubt disturbing and frightening for you to face within yourself. You are more likely to project it and draw it out of a loved one, who in turn may treat you with quite a lot of emotional brutality because he or she is forced into acting out the need for separation which you yourself have secretly longed for. You have a knack of being left in relationships, but this is largely because you do not have the courage to do the leaving.”
Good God. These two quotes have opened up a really messy can of worms for me. In the last few years, I realized that I have a stiff code of ethics that I not only masochistically enforce on myself, but that I also expect, perhaps unfairly, my friends to live by. This would perhaps explain why I have so few friends. I have a feeling that it has stemmed from the, unfortunately, many times in the past where I have had friends who have ostracized and abused me. Also perhaps from the fact that I was considered the one who will always be “fine” as a child and thus never got as much attention or guidance as perhaps I wanted or needed. This made me a self-regulated kid and maybe I never had anyone to tell me that I didn’t have to be such a fucking bitch to myself. I got good grades, I didn’t smoke, drink or have sex before college and I pretty much always did what I was told. God! There’s something else! I refuse to do hard drugs or drink so much that I can’t remember. Why? Control of myself. I refuse to relinquish control of myself. Also, in sex, it’s hard for me to do certain things because I’m afraid of giving something up. I won’t get too graphic. . . Basically, I have suppressed this aspect of myself because I fear that if I let her out, I will appall and disgust and be shunned by the people I care about. So I make all those jokes about being narcissistic and self-centered, but I envy and am fascinated by others who actually embody these traits. Scarlett O’Hara anyone?
Also, I don’t know at what point my approval became vital or my disapproval became deadly, but I guess I put off that vibe. Why do I inspire such fear? I’m so damn regimented. Except in eating. That, for whatever reason, I can not regiment no matter how much I hate myself or try to stop. Maybe that’s the only way I can even conceive of letting go of control, by eating. God. That sounds so awful.
Here is what the report has to say in conclusion:
“It is possible to make better friends with your shadow-side without becoming a ‘bad’ person, and it is not mutually exclusive with being a loving and loved person. But your understanding of love may be a little too naive, sentimental and one-dimensional, and not broad enough to encompass true tolerance of yourself as you are.”
So I guess I don’t love myself. But that’s not really a surprise. Also, I’m a sentimental idiot. Also not a shocker. I suppose the solution is that I need to allow myself to be a little more selfish, but only a little. Or, to put it another way, that however highly I value selflessness and responsibility to others, I must somehow find a way to acknowledge in myself that I am human and not a saint. That I need and, more importantly, want things that sometimes conflict with the needs and wants of others and that sometimes it is okay for me to take what I want anyway. The idea of that upsets me already. But I think I have to figure out a safe way for me to let this part of me out and still be able to live with myself afterward (this is important). I have no idea how.
I think what worries me, and what this astro report has hinted at, is that if I don’t resolve these issues, I will pass them onto my children. Meaning I will have ungrateful children who will take and take and take from me and do whatever the hell they want and I will sit like a martyr in my own house and allow them, because I somehow think that they will only love me if I let them walk on me. And I will scold them for setting the neighbor’s cat on fire or stealing cars, but I will secretly envy their lawlessness and resent them for destroying my own ability to be reckless and carefree.
I think that’s what I got for now. I need to start brainstorming baby-steps to owning the powerful want inside of me. I also need to figure out what that want is.