Nothing cuts me worse than unexpected jealousy.
Banal jealousy is one thing
like watching you hold hands with your tramp girlfriend,
I knew about her already.
Uninvited green is worse because it’s a game
that I always lose.
Like when you let your phone ring,
because it’s the only way I can get in touch with you when I want you
and I’m unused to wanting someone back.
I can’t tell if I’m being cheated or not.
I am the one who benefits from your warmth
both in body and in heart
But I am the sole sufferer of your absence
even when I sleep I can’t stop thinking
about what you’re thinking.
What are you thinking?
I must be obedient to rules of private and public:
I become invisible to you
on the bus
and you’re determined to stare over my head when you pass
to avoid her suspicion
In public, not even your eyes explore my skin.
I know you’re scared
of your tangle with her
and I fear that I overestimate
my importance to you.
it makes you nervous when I feel;
I’m nervous when I feel.
You changed my expectations of men
and their tendency
to leave me
You refused to build me
but you encouraged my floor plans
and said I could put whatever
sculpture I wanted
in the lobby.
And the day you first held me in your arms
because no man had ever asked if I liked it
when I finished.
The answer is: I don’t know.
Maybe if you would remember me more often.
Maybe if you would appreciate my notes
even if you hate them.
Maybe if you would give in to smiling.
Maybe if you would not ask jarring questions like
“I’m going to break your heart, aren’t I?”
I’m your extra girl
but I don’t want to always play second fiddle, so
Maybe if every time I see you with her
purposefully oblivious to my existence
you could call afterward
so I remember that I’m your partner, too.
Maybe if you’d remember that it’s her we’re to keep in the dark,
Maybe if I hadn’t gleefully retreated from my morals
Maybe if I hadn’t given in that last time
because you smelled so good. It’s just that
I didn’t expect you.